


Well Met, Ron Weasley

by Living_Free



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Canon Divergence, Clever Ron Weasley, Crack, Everybody Lives/Nobody Dies, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Mpreg, Smug Hermione Granger, Sunshine Child Harry Potter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-11 19:24:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15978848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: From the beginning, it was readily apparent that of the trio, Hermione Granger was the smartest of them. Hell, she was the smartest of all of them.Harry, of course, was the quiet, brave one. The dark horse. The one with the power to defeat the dark lord. The Boy Who Lived. The legend.It is to be noted, however, that Ronald Bilius Weasley, often written off as The Other One, the best friend, or That Other Weasley, was also very smart. Just...not Hermione smart.This is the story of Ronald Weasley, and his not insignificant amount of brains.





	1. Chapter 1

From the beginning, it was readily apparent that of the trio, Hermione Granger was the smartest of them. Hell, she was the smartest of all of them. 

Harry, of course, was the quiet, brave one. The dark horse. The one with the power to defeat the dark lord. The Boy Who Lived. The legend.

It is to be noted, however, that Ronald Bilius Weasley, often written off as The Other One, the best friend, or That Other Weasley, was also very smart. Just...not Hermione smart. 

This is the story of Ronald Weasley, and his not insignificant amount of brains. 

***

When Ron first met Harry, he first noticed the scar. The he noticed his judgement and bravery in standing up to Malfoy, that inbred loon. Then, he noticed his kindness over their shared every flavor beans. 

After their first week, he noticed that Harry was not able to defend himself against loons like Malfoy. 

“Harry, there’s something that I’m going to teach you,” Ron said one day. “It’s very important. I was taught this by my brother before me, and he by his brother before him. Since you have no brother, I will teach you how to throw a punch.”

Harry was an eager student, even if Hermione scoffed and muttered about silly boys, always hitting things. Ron just clicked his tongue and looked pityingly at Hermione. 

“It’s because you don’t have a brother either. Brothers are supposed to teach you these things. Don’t you want to learn how to punch?”

Hermione’s eyes lit up at the word ‘learn’, and just like that, Ron had his first two pupils. 

***

Later in the year, Harry remembered Ron’s lessons and punched Quirrell in the privates, and thus saved the philosopher’s stone. 

Harry’s final thought before passing out was that Ron was going to be so pleased when he heard about the knockout punch that felled Quirrelmort. 

***

“Do you really think that I could be the heir of Slytherin?” Harry asked Ron quietly one night.

Ron hoisted himself up on his elbows and looked critically at Harry. “Nah. But if you’re ever going to be evil, tell me in advance so that I can plan our escape, yeah? And Hermione, we’ll have to bribe her with so many books to convince her to run away from school.”

Harry chuckled weakly. “Thanks Ron.”

“Goodnight, mate. We can hiss at some Slytherins in the morning.”

***

“Ron, I can hear these awful voices threatening to rip and tear-,” Harry whispered agitatedly.

Ron patted Harry on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, mate. It’s probably just me thinking about chicken dinner on Wednesdays.”

“-and kill!” 

“Probably me thinking about Malfoy. Sometimes the lake looks so tempting, y’know?”

It was enough to startle Harry into giggles, and Ron smiled and shelved his concern away for a later date, when Harry was feeling better. Right now, Harry was alright, and it was enough.

***

“With Sirius Black after you, Harry, I was thinking that you need some more training,” Ron remarked one evening. 

“What with?”

“Here,” Ron said, standing up, “this is how you knee a bloke in the nuts...”

***

Sirius was sore, but still happy at seeing his godson hale and hearty, and strong enough to fight dirty.

“Just like me,” he said, wiping a tear of pain that had escaped his eye. “A chip of the old block. Moony, did you see?”

“Sigh.”

***

Harry kicked Peter Pettigrew in the gonads and aided in his successful capture. He tried to kick a dementor too, but found out that they didn’t have gonads.

***

Ron felt his jealousy ebb away as Harry sniffled miserably, his knees tucked up under his chin. “I hate this. I just want to have a normal life.”

Ron had a brainwave. “Aw, it’s alright, mate,” he said, slinging an arm around Harry’s shoulder. “We can totally rebel. That’s a normal teenage thing to do.”

Harry smiled tearfully at Ron. “Really? How?”

“I dunno,” Ron confessed, “but I’ll ask Fred and George.”

***

“Potter’s being called for the weighing of the wands, sir.”

“Fine,” Snape spat. “Potter, take your things and get out of my sight.”

Ron nudged Harry frantically. “Now! Rebel!”

“Actually,” Harry said, standing up, “I’d rather stay and finish my potion, sir,” he declared boldly. “I choose to rebel against this farce of a tournament and focus on my education instead.”

Ron sighed. He’d have to teach Harry how to rebel properly. Meanwhile, Hermione and the Ravenclaws were looking up at Harry as though he was their messiah. 

Even Snape looked taken aback. “Well,” he said at last, “it seems that my efforts to normalize you have successfully deflated your big head, Potter,” he grinned. “You may stay and finish your potion. Creevey,” he directed the boy at the door, “you heard him. Go away.”

Harry sat back down and several Ravenclaw hands reached out to touch him or stroke him adoringly. Hermione beamed like a proud hen. But Harry only had eyes for Ron, and looked askance at him. 

Ron smiled and nodded, despite his friend’s newfound swotty admirers. As long as Harry was happy, it would have to do.

***

“I can’t believe that that stupid Skeeter can get away with publishing this tripe!” Harry seethed at the latest article, proclaiming that Harry was a heartbreaking casanova, stringing along four girls including Hermione (blergh) to take to the Yule Ball. 

Ron thought about the issue and not upon an idea. “I have an idea, mate. Just play along.”

***

“Yes, Harry and I are very happy together,” Ron said to Xenophilus Lovegood, and made a show of holding Harry’s hand. “We’re in love and are shocked at the tripe that that Skeepter woman puts out.”

Lovegood scribbled on his notepad furiously, eager to get the relevant inside scoop for once. “Is this true, Mr Potter?”

Harry nodded eagerly. “Oh yes, Ron and I are very much a couple. In fact, we’re going to the Yule Ball together. We’re even doing a robe swap just so that we can show how much we love each other. Ron,” he said soulfully, turning to his best friend, “I’m so lucky to have you.”

Ron was choked up at Harry’s dress robes swap plan. He was really an awesome friend. “Same here, mate. Same here.”

***

Mrs Weasley sent an emotional owl to the pair of them, telling them how proud she was and how Harry would be her little boy regardless of whatever happened. 

Rita Skeeter was shamed, and Xenophilus Lovegood managed to earn a Wizarding Pulitzer for his hard hitting, truthful account of two boys finding love despite all odds. 

Sirius sent a crass, congratulatory letter to Harry, with a reasonable postscript from Lupin, who wrote about how proud he was regarding their emotional maturity, you could learn a thing or two, Sirius.

Despite all of these good things, there were consequences.

***

“Potter, Weasley, stay behind,” Snape grunted after class one day. Ron and Harry waddled over to his desk nervously. 

“Yes sir?”

Snape sighed heavily. “Madam Pomfrey is occupied with treating the stomach flu that has spread around the school that has even struck down your head of house. As such, the Headmaster has somehow made it my responsibility to tell you this.

“Potter,” Snape said severely, “you are fourteen years old. You are not to bed Weasley, is that clear?”

Harry squeaked in horror. 

“They are a fertile family,” Snape continued, “and it will not do for the Hogwarts champion to fall pregnant in the middle of the tournament. Unless you want your abdomen to play host to a dozen squalling ginger infants, you will stay clear away from your partner’s...appendages, until you are of age.”

Snape’s eyes took on a sharp gleam. “Your newfound academic prowess has been reflected in your improving grades, and I will not be pleased if your youthful dalliance breaks this new streak, is that clear, Potter?”

“Yessir,” Harry mumbled. “Stay away from Ron’s yoohoo until we’re adults or have a lot of Weasley babies. Got it, sir.”

Snape nodded. “This has pained me as much as it has you. Now go away, Potter. I will speak to Weasley alone.”

Harry looked up at Ron with tortured eyes. “Ron, I’ll wait for you!”

“Harry, be safe, mate! Run!”

Snape sighed. Why was this his life. “Potter, out!” He said, banishing Harry from his classroom. He turned to face Ron. “Now, Weasley, we will speak of The Two C’s. What are they?”

“Er...cocks, and...cuddling?”

Snape wanted to cry. “Contraception and consent. Take a seat, Weasley.”

Ron paled, but did as he was told. Anything for Harry.

***

Later, Ron was finally back in the Gryffindor common room, and Harry came running up to him. “Oh, Ron! You’re back! Was it horrible?”

Ron steeled himself for his best mate. “I survived,” he said stoically. Then he looked at Harry. “Harry, if this was too much for you, then I’ll understand if you want to break off our fake relationship.”

Harry’s eyes gleamed emotionally. “It was never fake for me, Ron.”

Ron’s heart thudded in his chest. “Me too, mate. Me too.”

Hermione was scoffing with as much phlegm as she could muster at the two oblivious idiots finally realizing their love for each other. Fred and George tried to do the heimlich maneuver on her and were jinxed for trying. 

***

When they showed up at the Yule Ball, Dumbledore gave Harry ten points for his fantastic fashion sense. Malfoy nearly died on the spot. 

It was the happiest day of Ron’s life. 

***


	2. Chapter 2

Harry had run out of his History of Magic OWL straight into Ron’s arms. 

“Ron! I had a vision that Voldemort has captured Sirius and is holding him in the Department of Mysteries! We have to save him!”

“Huh,” Ron said. “Was Remus there too?”

“Um, no.”

“Then I don’t think that you’re right, mate. Sirius and Remus are tighter than two snargaluff peas in a pod. If Sirius was captured, then Remus must be with him. Nothing could separate them. If you were captured and tortured, I’d be being crucio’d right beside you.”

“Oh, Ron,” Harry said emotionally. “I’ll go bug Snape to contact Remus.”

“Good idea.”

***

In the end, Harry never went to the ministry, and Voldemort got tired of waiting, so he went to get the prophecy himself and outed himself in the process.

Sirius lived, and wrote a scathing opinion piece to the daily prophet, criticizing them for demonizing Harry, with editing by Remus, because Sirius used too many commas and didn’t understand how to use a colon.

“Hee hee, colon.”

“Sigh.”

***

Harry was keenly missing Hermione’s presence. More specifically, the presence of her hissed instructions in his ear to perfect his stirring technique. She had gone up to Snape in the middle of the lesson and declared that she had a headache. Snape had given her a potion that did not look like headache potion at all, and told her that she was dismissed. 

“Wow,” Harry said lowly, “Hermione’s missing a lesson. It must be a really bad headache,” he sympathized. 

Ron stared at his boyfriend incredulously. “Mate,” he said lowly, “she’s on the rag.”

“What?”

“That wasn’t headache potion, it was cramps-be-gone.”

“How do you know that?” Harry asked, stunned by Ron’s potions prowess.

“Ginny uses it all the time.”

“Oh.” Then, “You’re so clever, Ron,” Harry breathed with awe sparkling in his eyes. 

Ron preened. He made a note to buy Hermione so much chocolate that she would be supplied for the next year. 

***

“You’re kinda obsessed with Malfoy and His Evil Plans, mate,” Ron observed as Harry pored over the marauder’s map for the hundredth time. 

“It’s because he’s evil, Ron,” Harry murmured. “Now help me find him.”

Ron sighed. “This isn’t healthy mate - there he is, oh no, he’s gone! How’s that even possible?”

“Wait - that’s the seventh floor corridor! He’s in the room of requirement!” Harry gasped. “I’m going to tell Snape!”

“Wait, what?”

Harry looked back at Ron. “Oh, yeah, he’s alright with me now that my potions grades picked up. Let’s go!”

Ron sighed. This was not a good day. And to think, all the wanted was to neck with his boyfriend.

***

Snape sighed heavily as Harry and Ron entered his office. “So it has happened. Very well, Potter, do you require an anti-emetic potion?”

Harry stopped. “What? No, I’m not pregnant. It’s just that Malfoy’s being an evil sneaky git-“

“I am aware.”

“-with evil plans-“

“Undoubtedly.”

“-and he’s been disappearing into the room of requirement! Ron found him on the map!”

Snape straightened. “Of course,” he breathed, “the room of requirement! I shall commence spying on the young Malfoy at once, then. Excellent spying, Potter, Weasley.”

Snape left with a dramatic swish of his robes, leaving Ron alight with hope once more. “Well, that’s that,” he said with finality, “let’s go back and reward ourselves, eh?”

Harry stared balefully at Ron. “We have to spy on Malfoy, Ron. He’s very evil.”

Ron sighed. It was going to be a very long night. 

***

Malfoy never finished the vanishing cabinet and never let any death eaters into the castle. Instead, Snape yelled at him so loudly that he caused a small earthquake, and made Draco change sides. He would live with the Weasleys from there on, much to Ron’s displeasure.

Also, Dumbledore never had to die, and continued to be old and crotchety, making plans to destroy more horcruxes and Harry, but just a little bit, promise. 

***

The Ministry fell. The dark lord’s name was tabooed. The Order of the Phoenix was in a panic, taken completely unaware by the Death Eaters plans. 

“I refuse to call that git the dark lord,” Harry seethed during one order meeting. “He’s a prat, and doesn’t deserve to be respected by any title.”

“Quite right,” Dumbledore agreed. 

“We could always change his name,” Ron suggested. “Something like Volmedort, or Moldywart.”

Harry beamed and kissed Ron right there and then, in front of everyone and Albus, who pretended that he had never had boy sex or kissed anyone, ever, and acted like a coy maiden. “Oh me oh my,’ he blushed. “Such youthful vigor.”

Mad Eye rolled his eye. “Shut up, Albus.”

From that day forward, Voldemort became known as Moldywart, thanks to the creativity of one Ron Weasley. 

***

“Wait, Harry’s a horcrux?” Ron blurted out.

“Yes,” Dumbledore said sadly, “and for that, he must die, but just a little bit.”

“I’m quite sure that death is rather final,” Snape spat, looking peeved. “Are you telling me that I protected the boy for the better part of a decade, just so that he could go to die himself!?”

“Severus, please calm dow- ouch,” Dumbledore said, as he nursed the mean stinging hex that Snape sent at him. “There wasn’t any need for that. I have devised a foolproof plan to ritualistically kill and then reanimate Harry. It will be a though nothing had ever happened.”

Moody, Tonks, and Molly all had to jump on top of Snape to keep him from physically strangling Dumbledore. Even more had to sit on top of Sirius, who was gnashing his teeth and thrashing wildly.

“No one is killing Harry!” Ron stood in front of his boyfriend. “You’ll have to get through me, first,” Ron cried heroically. 

“Oh, Ron,” Harry swooned. 

“Excellent!” Dumbledore cried, clapping his hands, “Because we need to tether Harry’s non-horcrux-soul piece to the mortal world using a pure soul! Mr Weasley, would you care to volunteer?”

“You’re not killing Harry!”

“Of course not, I’ll reanimate him in a jiffy,” Dumbledore wheedled. “Please?”

“No!”

“Oh, poo.”

Harry sighed. “Headmaster, are you sure that this will work?”

Dumbledore beamed, and everyone else screamed. “Oh rather,” Albus grinned. “It will eliminate the horcrux, but leave your soul entirely yours. I came up with the ritual myself, and I’m very smart.”

Harry sighed. “Fine, then. I don’t like the idea of Voldy soul sucking on mine, and if it’ll help defeat him, then I suppose we have to do it.”

“Harry!” Ron grasped Harry’s thin face in his hands. “Don’t do this!”

“Ron, I love you so much,” Harry said softly, “and that’s why I have to do it. If it’ll save us all from Voldy, then we have to. But I’ll come back to you,” he promised, “and we’ll win the fucking war, and have dozens of ginger babies together, and make Malfoy babysit them for eternity.”

“You make one mistake,” Draco the defected Death Eater piped up, “and suddenly you’re swimming in Weasley-Potter hybrids till the end of time. I do not deserve this fate.”

“You do, and you’ll do it with a smile,” Hermione warned him. She turned to Dumbledore. “Your plan is stupid and everyone hates it. We’re not killing Harry. There has to be another way.”

“The power of love will not protect him anymore, he’s seventeen,” Albus whined. 

“The power of love?” Ron asked. “That’s what killed Moldy Voldy and protected Harry?”

“Lily’s love for him was able to enact an ancient charm that defeated the evil threatening Harry, yes,” Albus explained, “but with Lily gone, we cannot bring the power of love back-“

“Yes we can!” Ron yelled. “I love him, more than anything, and Harry loves me!”

“Oh, Ron,” Harry simpered.

“Kill me, please,” Snape begged. 

“We can enact the enchantment with my love for Harry, and kill the horcrux!” Ron yelled. “What was the charm Harry’s mum used?”

“It was an ancient magic, driven not by words, but by feel, and love. It was enacted the moment Lily held Harry at birth, and made stronger when she last kissed him goodbye.”

There was silence as everyone pondered the ancient magic. Then, Hermione had an idea. “A love so intense, so ancient, that it destroyed any evil around Harry. Ron,” she said, turning to him, “you need to have sex with Harry.”

Ron and Harry looked intrigued. “Go on.”

“Not sex,” she clarified, “you need to make love to him, the best love you can possibly make. Pour all of your love, your emotion and protectiveness into him, and you can banish the evil that’s inside Harry’s soul!”

“Good grief,” Snape muttered, suppressing nausea. 

“Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes has recently branched into the pleasuring arts,” Fred piped up. “We would be glad to enhance the copulation of the century with our humble wares.”

“Please tick off how you would like to be pleasured,” George said, handing a list to Harry and Ron, “anal stimulation pods, prostate pokers, penetrative tentacles, and even extra lips for maximum kissage, we have it all!”

Harry looked hopefully at Ron. “What do you think, mate?”

Ron stood up. “I think,” he said, extending his hand to Harry, “that we have remained virgins long enough. And this time, not even Snape can stop us.”

Harry took his hand and smiled up at Ron. “Let’s do it.”

***

They did it, and it was magical. Literally. 

“How d’you feel?” Ron asked, immediately afterwards. “Less horcrux-y?”

Harry nodded mutely. In the moment of highest passion, he had blanked out, and his mind had been transported to another dimension where he saw the horcrux disintegrate as Ron professed his love over and over to Harry, whilst pounding lovingly into him from above. 

“It was...life changing,” Harry gasped, finally. He smiled up at Ron. “You’re the best, Ron.”

“Thanks. You’re awesome too,” Ron complimented him back. “Should we...tell the others?”

Harry groaned. “Yeah, probably should,” he muttered, and they dressed. They stepped out of the room to come face to face with absolutely everyone. 

“Well?” Snape snapped irately.

“The horcrux is gone,” Harry informed them happily. “And Ron was very good.” 

Ron preened while Snape and Malfoy died inside a bit. Arthur beamed proudly at his son. “Attaboy, Ron! Gave it the Weasley magic, did you?”

“You had best hope not,” Sirius snarled, “I will not have Harry getting knocked up at seventeen.”

There was a loud argument as to whether Harry was pregnant or not, but at that moment, stated and thoroughly happy, Harry and Ron could not have cared less.

***

They killed Voldemort when he attacked Hogwarts in the summer. He and Harry faced off, prepared to duel.

Harry won, because of the power of Love, which Ron was very proud of, and everyone rejoiced at Voldemort’s defeat.

Ron rejoiced so hard that he knocked Harry up, an they had to wake Snape up early one morning during summer break to finally ask him for some anti-emetic potion.

***

In due course, Harry and Ron had six children (two sets of twin boys and two little girls). Harry achieved his ultimate dream of becoming a stay at home mother and opening his own culinary institute specializing in treacle tart. Ron went on to become a famous auror. 

Hermione became Minister of Magic and revolutionized wizarding Britain. Draco continued to be a filthy rich layabout socialite, and was frequently bullied into babysitting the Potter-Weasley brood, and into giving to charitable causes by Hermione. 

The Potter-Weasley children called Snape ‘grandpa’. Snape didn’t know what to do with that much emotion, so he didn’t do anything and continued to make potions and be greasy.

Sirius and Remus got married and moved to Spain, where Sirius was never cold again. They wrote many letters where Sirius described in great detail how delicious Remus looked with a tan. Harry had to censor these letters from the kids. Christmas holidays in Spain were awesome, though.

Albus retired from his post as Headmaster and moved in next to his brother Aberforth in Hogsmeade, much to the latter’s horror. Free of responsibilities, he was fully able to immerse himself in his hobbies of miniature tenpin bowling and chamber music. Aberforth lost a lot of sleep. Minerva took over running the school, and was much better at the job than her predecessor.

And for once, all was well.

***


End file.
